My Kingdom For A Match
This morning was typical. SWHT (She Who Has Thumbs) is not a peaceful sleeper and over the year and a half I have spent with her I have adjusted to the steady tossing and turning of a human in my bed at night. The thing I will never get used to is the farting. Jesus Christ my head is under the covers! I am after all a beagle with a sense of smell 10,000 times greater than any human. Not to dish dirt on SWHT but she struggles with a lot of allergies and I would bet you a pig ear that she smells less than most humans.
Like most humans SWHT sometimes struggles with common sense as well as her allergies but why she hasn't deduced that farting under the covers is NOT a victimless crime is beyond me.
There is a double standard at play here. SWHT can toot out a symphonic melody under the covers and I'm supposed to pretend I don't notice them. An example of my treatment: recently over the Thanksgiving holiday my Grandhumans shared lots of delicious smoked ham and stuffing with me despite the protests of SWHT who limits my diet to food & dog snacks ONLY. Naturally this produced some gas and do you think for one moment that SWHT would graciously let this slide? NOOOOOOO!!! She announced every emission and called attention to it, as if I could stop it, then shooed me off the couch. A couch SWHT often farts on herself.
The thought of staging a gastrointestinal intervention has crossed my mind. If this continues I may have to move some stuff around to do just that. I've also considered filing a grievance with my union the AFB (Amalgamated Federation of Beagles) local 603. Although I think SWHT has become slightly aware of my objections. Recently she has noticed that I have begun to leave a small opening in the covers so that I can stick my nose out in the mornings. I also remove myself from the situation by climbing out of the covers and laying on top of them. This is a typical cooling practice for all dogs as sometimes our humans get quite warm in bed and we have a protective layer of fur that those poor saps don't possess.
Ah humans...you sweet, funny, backwards creatures. What would you do without the levity we canines bring to your lives?
Well I'm off for the day. SWHT benefits greatly from watching me run around and chew on sticks at the dog park. It starts her day off with a smile and I suppose I should be a responsible human owner despite her many flaws.
To the beaglemobile....
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteVery cute and so much smarter than most humans. Lily, I understand what you mean. My human, SWEET (aka) She who eats everything tasty, shares very little of her food with me. I do understand she needs to keep the colorie count up so she won't have to buy smaller clothes. She will from time to time give me a Costo size sample, as if that makes me happy. Just once I would love a hambuger just for me, but NOOOO, only a few bites that she can't fit in her pie hole! Oh well, she is otherwise very nice and loving toward me. That high pitch baby voice really needs to go, but she does allow me, my brother, and sister, to sleep with her. She says I am the prettest Pug, but I overheard her say the same thing to my brother and sister Pugs. Oh well I guess it could be worse. I could be one of those fore closure dogs and have no food, water, or a nice bed to sleep in. I hope someday Lily we can meet afterall we are cousins. Let me know how that Union thing is going. If things don't show some major improvements I may have to join. Much love to you Lily, you look good girl! Cousins, Katie, Shelby, and Louie.
ReplyDeleteLily Mae, you are too eloquent with your words. Very well spoken and funny as all get out. Keep posting and I'll keep reading. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Katie! Hello to you, Shelby & Louie. I agree the food sharing needs to be negotiated in our next contract. I charm more food out of strangers than my own human! That's a downright shame. I think my next blog may be about all the food I've charmed out of strangers. You know, stoke the fire, for negotiations. SWEET & SWHT have had a free ride for a while.
ReplyDeleteIn Solidarity,
Lily Mae
Thanks Beth. SWHT & I miss you and kids and can't wait to see you. As I have no sense of time this means more to SWHT than to me but the sentiment is equally meant by both of us.
ReplyDelete